Riuva : Research Institute for Unicultural Visual Arts

Today the girlfriend (I think for the purpose of this post, we shall codename her Joan) and I were at Kinokuniya as she wanted to purchase some Japanese language textbooks. I dragged her to the manga section first to get myself some Naruto, Bleach, Inuyasha and Yaoi. (just kidding of course, I would never buy any of those!) And then I saw Genshiken again.

Now every self-respecting anime visual culture fan would have a full set of the Genshiken manga, myself included. So I excitedly pointed it out to Joan, as per my usual attempts to get her to read stuff beyond D Gay man. I described the main premise of Genshiken as "this normal, fashionable girl, gets a really hidden otaku boyfriend who is in a club with many types of otaku who are losers and mundane stuff happen. The mundane stuff are very relateable so we love this series."

Then both of us realised that Genshiken is just like real life for us. Her tsundereness is on par with Saki, that’s for sure. Riuva is some sort of real life Genshiken, even the acronyms are similar. Mind you, Kokanaden has just been elected Chairman of the NUS anime squadron. He is Madarame. LianYL is Sasahara.

Later at night, Saturnine started crying to me about how I was this awesome, sensitive blogger a couple of years ago and why I changed into a cynical bastard. So I dug up some old comments of his on this site, he used to be so, so polite with "I see. Hope to see more of this in the future from you, then." and after a whole year, that degenerated to "HAHAHA FUCK YOU MOFO!" or something. Shows that power (president of the ABC, host of the ABA and wife of DS) can corrupt.

Onto the main topic, here is a quick guide for normal girls who thought they found normal boyfriends only to discover that the male has actually a hidden case of the dreaded otakunitis.

1. My boyfriend cries during movies!! More than me! But he cries when giant robots appear onscreen, or when underdogs win, or when men shout somewhat meaningful catch phrases! Why is he so sissy and weak? How should I react to his crying? Why does he cry during Speed Racer?

Answer: Because Speed Racer is a dream-come-true for him. The best show this season, ousting even Iron Man, Speed Racer has strong action, style and nostalgia. Iron Man actually has average action and lots of cool machines. Otaku are very in-touch with on-screen characters and emphatise with them very easily. Almost all of them cry when giant robots throw galaxy shurikens around while their pilots shout macho words. Anyway, when you spot your otaku crying, you should let him grope your chest. That always works in soothing his feelings. Besides that, you can pretend not to notice or even tell him you like crying men, so he will preserve his ego. A clever trick if you’re a tsundere dominatrix, is to check for tears everytime a likely otaku-tearjerker scene pops up. When you feel the moistness, you can proceed to make fun of him. Another detecting method is by feeling his adam’s apple, it might be shaking as he weeps manly tears.

If you tell him you like crying men, he will cry even more without inhibitions everytime you watch shows together. Could be a bonus.

2. My boyfriend stares at cartoon girl figurines who are half naked! What’s wrong with him? Some of his toys even have nipples!

Answer: He doesn’t think of them as live animals, unlike girls who think their stuffed toys are living creatures. Otaku collect figures out of an appreciation of how good they look or how rare/limited edition that item is. Most of them are quite logical, though heavy spenders. You can please your otaku boyfriend by cruising through the many toy stores with him and listening to him explaining every single detail. You don’t need to listen, as he just loves to teach normal folks about the wonders of anime goods. You can forbid him from buying anything in front of you, though he will do it online.

The same applies for manga, game or any other store.

3. My otaku just wants to eat cheap or fast food! Why can’t he eat healthier or more upper class food?

Answer: Because anime goods do not decompose and last forever. 5 dollars gets you either food or a manga. Manga lasts forever. Food is expelled as waste products very quickly. 2 dollar food and 20 dollar food stays in your body the same amount of time. Therefore, the cheaper option is preferred. Tip: you can lure your otaku into a nice eatery by elimination. Tell him to suggest the eatery and then give him a logical list of criteria which you set a filter for. Like no eatery without airconditioning, no fast food, no food court and then hey presto, he will suggest the logical remainder which will be your favoured eatery.

4. My otaku’s room is too messy to even walk through! How can he stand that mess?

Answer: The strange thing is, his room is where he spends the most time. Yet it is also the messiest. Otakus just have a lot of stuff and not enough space to store them which explains the messiness. His bed will be clean though, so you can lie there naked.

5. My otaku keeps bugging me to play PvP on the PSP or any other console. Either that or he passes me a 500 GB harddisk and expects me to finish watching all the shows on it so that we can discuss them at length. And by discussion, he means to teach me all the stuff that I missed. Such as the time dilation mechanism in Gunbuster… and what are the projectile classes in Gundam Seed?

Answer: To increase your charm points by tenfold, you can become a gamer/animeloving girl. Get him to recommend you shows via his large mental database. But first to avoid disappointment, lay down your criteria as usual. Pretty boys, no giant robots, no big boobies, must have comedy etc. I think I spent forty minutes explaining to Joan, who likes Seed, about the technology of Seed and Destiny. Stuff like the definition of Phase Shift, what it is used for, describing the weapons and strengths and weaknesses of each Gundam and pilot etc. I’m sure she was very pleased to receive this knowledge. Mind you, yellow = rail gun projectiles in Seed, therefore Freedom’s hip rail cannons actually cannot do damage against a mobile suit with phase shift as rail guns are a physical attack. You need beam damage to break a MS with PS.

Possibly more to come… every single day, new instances leading to Joan saying, "Why are you so otaku?" crop up. I should jot them down, to show that what she considers geeky is actually very normal in our world. At least I don’t fanboy seiyuu besides Hanazawa Kyoouuuuchan Kana and Sawashiro Miyuki.