Figure Review: Reno from FF7 Masturbates Wildly

I love Playarts. I need MORE! MORE! MORE! Doesn’t this remind us of Clare from Claymore near the end of the anime series when all she said was "MOTTO! MOTTO! MOTTO!" (where motto means more in Japanese of course)

Playarts are figures of our favourite Square heros and heroines very well-articulated and detailed, yet going for decently affordable prices. A general breakdown of what is good and bad about the Playarts series…


  • Very poseable.
  • Clothing replicated perfectly.
  • Weaponry equipped.
  • Our favourite heroes and heroines!
  • Cheap! 1/2 the price of a regular 1/8 figure!
  • Improving with every installment.


  • Joints show at times.
  • The painting doesn’t have the same depth and shading of a regular figurine.
  • The face is generally rather subpar, especially in the female characters.
  • The earlier versions are trash.

Despite the flaws, I still collect all the Playarts figures of the characters I like. So far I’ve got Cloud and Fenrir, Sephiroth (hate him but it’s a good figure), Tifa (hot girl but ugly face on the toy), Squall, Auron, Tidus, Yuna, Vincent, Reno and Yuffie. I missed out on all the Kingdom Hearts, FF12, Rinoa, Selphie and Kadaj because they suck.

This post reviews Reno, the Turk. He’s a red-haired pony-tailed chav with an electro-prod, the type you insert into cow’s anuses to make ejaculate so you can collect their semen and sell to breed good calves.


Due to his fascination with cow semen, Reno also masturbates wildly to Bovril. My favourite Turk is Elena, I have a thing for girls in suits. It would make sense to have an anime OVA series starring the Turks but considering how badly Square these days has a tendency to mangle stuff, I’m not hoping for much. The much vaunted sequels of AC and Dirge of Cerberus were rather poor, particularly the latter. It made me hate Vincent immensely when I used to like him. Everytime I see Vincent, I am reminded of that fag GACKT. CURSE YOU SQUARE ENIX.

Back to Reno.

Yes I do realise it’s the exact same backdrop I used for Kaminagi Ryouko earlier but I actually took 4 sets of figure pictures with this backdrop hehe. Reno has many points of articulation, while not as flexible as a Revoltech, he can still make a couple of cool poses. His joints are quite visible compared to the other Playarts figures though.

He makes up for it with a well-sculpted and produced face, which should send the fangirls wild. His thinness, which is probably to the taste of Japanophilic females, is a problem because it make his joints look very obvious. Contrast this to meatier figures such as Auron, whose muscles help cover the joints.

A worthy addition to the collection nevertheless, I look forward to collecting the Turk set (ELENA WOOOO and Rude, who’s a true man).

I want one of these zipper suits.

The microdetail is certainly poorer than a regular figure, but nobody stares that closely at a guy’s hair. Unless you’re an FYG!

Besides causing electro-ejaculation, it can also trap the ejected seminal fluid in a pyramid barrier for easy storage.

A common "chimpira" pose.

He looks like those damn visual kei shitheads.

"I’m so badass I have a peg sticking out of my palm that fits into my weapon!"

"This is my banana. Lalalala."

12 Responses to “Figure Review: Reno from FF7 Masturbates Wildly”

  • compared to his “rowdy” character in the movie this rendition sure looks somewhat “boring”.

  • nice. there really needs to be more figures of male characters.

  • A cool uke – but I’d never buy him.

  • Umm…something is wrong here…this character is not a cute girl :(

  • No fujyoshi/FYG read this kind of post, apparently. Was it because of the word “Masturbates” in the tittle?

  • where’s the yuffie review?

    i thought the yuffie turned out awesome. Reno’s HAIR is ugly on this figure. LOL

  • Buy a figurine then mock him in every aspect… You have succeeded in making me laugh. Still something bugs me as you may have confused cows and bulls in the first lines of your review, but hey.

    “but considering how badly Square these days has a tendency to mangle stuff, I’m not hoping for much.” Sadly this is why I gave up on Square and went really blank when they merged with Enix.

    and you say that no one would look at his hair in such a close manner… Well, you forgot about figurine quality checkers, who must have been absent that day.

    A figure to have, if you’re not too picky and are a FF VII fan, I suppose.

  • Hmm, some of the pics are a bit off-focus or shallow DoF. Intentional or just rushed for time?

  • Huh Lynx, which ones? They seem fine to me.

  • Well, “Wanker” has small DoF, but that might be intentional.

    Third photo (with him holding the electro-prod to the camera, probably could have gotten the prod in focus with a bit more tweaking of the aperture, but again could be intentional.

    Fifth photo (landscape from his back with the sidewalk plants visible) looks suspiciously soft..

    Eighth photo (closeup of his face with him holding the prod to his right and down), the hand (and lower arm) is out of DoF so they are blurry. Surprisingly though, the ninth photo (with the same pose) turned out ok, while the tenth (“I want one of these zipper suits”) again show very narrow DoF..

    Eleventh (Microdetail of hair) and Twelfth (microdetail of electro-prod) also shows narrow DoF which is really odd. Same with the “visual kei shitheads” shot.

    The odd part is that it’s inconsistent, some shots you have good DoF but some shots you got quite narrow DoF. That shouldn’t be happening, unless you are in macro mode, but some of the photos aren’t at marco distance, so it’s just puzzling.

  • Ah, most of those which have really shadow DoF are intentional, though the “softness” in some pictures is more a result of the sun shining on my LCD screen and preventing me from seeing what I’m focusing. All the pictures are in macro mode, with a compact IXUS 800 btw. Not much control there.

  • Eh? A Digital IXUS 800 IS has a manual mode.. unless it’s a “manually set various non-essential functions” mode?

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