[Kokanaden] Otaku helpline!
(4 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
Loading ...Well it seems that my research was accurate, and paid off. From what I understand, the post caused quite a stir in the otaku world, and people clamouring to get on board as a counsellor.
To briefly repeat what I mentioned in the comments section, I’d love to include more people as counsellors, but due to logistical constraints, it’s not really possible. In fact, the reason why this post arrived one day late was because I was trying to get 2 new counsellors on board, whom I will reveal later. Of course, there’s the comments section, where you can dispense with your own personal advice. If you’re consistently good, who knows, you might just end up with an invitation to be on the board as a special guest.
Honestly speaking, when I first mooted the idea of having this “otaku helpline”, the general consensus was: This sounds promising but no one will actually take it that seriously. Well, guess what? Apparently there was an increase in the number of emails flooding the RIUVA inbox, which was a pleasant surprise. Unfortunately, given the time constraint, we will only be able to entertain 1 email a week. Perhaps in the future we could expand it to tackle 2 or more emails, but don’t worry, for those whose emails wasn’t answered this week, there’s always next week.
In any case, let me introduce 2 new counsellors, whom I hope will be contributing their views regularly to this column. They are none other than the famed reformed otaku, Tsubaki, and Zer0, now called The One, whose site unfortunately is down at the moment due to technical glitches. Both Tsubaki and Zer0 will add depth and breadth in the analysis of the emails received, and together with the existing trio of tjhan, Lian and myself, it is hoped that our answers and views will provide a comprehensive review of the issue at hand.
Without futher ado, let us delve into the email for today. His surname is apparently Lim, but calls himself a “hopeless romantic who is still aware of reality”. Anyway, here’s the email:
“Dear otaku helpline guys,
I’ve always fantasized about myself with a pretty partner. However, unlike most people who can’t face the world, in reality I’ve learnt that pretty gal doesn’t guarantee a good relationship, despite what Visual Arts/Key’s dating sims say. I’ve heard so many good-looking couples breaking up. Yes, I know true beauty lies within.
Unfortunately, applying this knowledge is easier said than done. Recently I’ve been involved with a big sized gal who is kind and caring. She treats me really well and showers me with love. But this love is one sided.
She doesn’t make my heart beat wildly (like Kotomi, written with 3 hiragana), her SMSes don’t excite me, and she’s on another telco, making it expensive for me to reply back. And she’s not someone who I think crazily about. As matter of fact my custom made Kagamin dakimakura provides me with more ‘fun’.
I feel bad about this coz it’s so unfair for her if I can’t give her my 100%.
I don’t know what to do besides hanging on and pray that things get better. I’m unsure if falling in love necessarily involves fast heartbeats or is it all about being loved by (and loving in return) a caring person whom you can spend the rest of your life with.
What should I do? Should I stay on or break up with her?
Hopeless romantic who is still aware of reality
*After scrolling down for some time*
(LOL I’m pretty aware you guys are not serious about the otaku helpline thing, but I was bored :P)”
The replies are as follows:
LianYL:
From what I have read, you sound like a dick. Please let the previous guy suck you, and everything will work out fine for you and the previous guy. Have a pleasant day.
Tsubaki:
Actually, you can no longer find good looking couples. They have all broken up, and with more and more guys coming out of the closet, the pretty girls are forced to date ugly, fat otakus with sweaty palms. Thus reality is now much closer to what’s been depicted in visual novels no thanks to those bishonens turning gay.
Regarding your new found love, I’ll give you two roads to choose.
A girl is still a girl. Now that you have found yourself someone who truly love you, it is time to ask yourself whether you want a girl who is kind and caring to you or dedicate your entire life into looking for a perfect girl, who in return will probably never love you as much as her. Because in a love equation, no love is equal. Whatever a side lacks, the other side will have to make up for.
Whatever a side lacks, the other side will have to make up for it in order for the relationship to work. This is true; only people sick with puppy love will think their love is equal.
In your case, this girl makes up your shorter end of the stick. If you learn to love her and accept her for who she is and not what you want her to be, you’ll realize that she’ll give you more than what a trophy girlfriend can offer. And hey, she’s big sized, which means everything comes double the fun. *wink*
The other road, is simple. Be a dick (refer to Lian’s guide), fap to 2D girls and read doujinshi. 10 to 20 years down the road, you won’t even experience the touch of a woman’s flesh, other than your left and right hand, which by then you would have been so used to them, you would
probably have to start using your feet to get an erection.”
ZerO:
Dear Lim, if your chick can fit into your Kagami dakimakura, your problem is solved.
tjhan:
It depends on your own personality.
If you’re the sort who loves to shower love and romantic gestures onto your significant other, then your romance will not work because you don’t even like the girl romantically. It does not matter whether she is fat, thin, looks like Jabba, Leia, Kyou or Ryou. The fact is, if you don’t like her romantically, you will find even simple things like going out with her a chore and after a while, be so tired of it that you just want to quit.
On the other hand, if you’re the sort who prefers to be served or wants a girlfriend and is willing to sacrifice your own time for just this status (or sex) then by all means go ahead. I personally cannot do such a thing but there are tonnes of guys who find it perfectly acceptable, though they normally pick bimbos or aesthetically pleasing people.
The thing is, even if a girl is not pretty, if you truly like her, she will be the most beautiful Celestial Being in the world (to you, even if in real life she is Gundam Virtue). You will be able to accept her shortcomings and even see them as good points. Like, fat = comfortable body pillow, pimples = juicy love holes and stupidity = innocence, and others. When you date people you don’t like, be prepared to feel extremely vexed and annoyed because pimples are pimples and fats are fats.
But if you’re a real bastard, you can always follow the RPG level up guide by dating her and then gaining EXP such that when you meet someone you really like, you will be equipped with the levels and skills needed to win her love (after you dump Gundam Virtue of course).
Kokanaden:
While the others take for granted that the girl really IS in love with you, I beg to differ. From what you’ve described, apart from “showering” you with love, everything else is really common between good platonic friends, male or female. What do you exactly mean by “showering you with love?” Well, in my opinion, this is also considered some form of “shower of love”.
In fact, whatever you’ve said after that confirms my suspicions that you just treat her as a good friend, but not necessarily a close one. Good friends are those whom you feel comfortable talking about a range of issues with, while good close friends go one step further: they are able to see past the idiosyncrasies and the physicality of the other, and just accept them as they are. Which obviously you are unable to.
What worries me most is that despite all these clear signs that you treat her as just a good friend, you seem to be of the opinion that you are already attached to her. Has there been a confession? If there isn’t, you’re just playing with smoke and mirrors, and most probably you’re assuming the wrong things. Perhaps she just treats you like a little brother. Sibling affection between non-siblings is often mistaken as “love”, and I suspect so for this case.
Honestly speaking, I’m rather pissed at your attempts to cover up your inadequacies by claiming to be bored, thus trying to create an outlook that you’re some cool dude trying to have fun. The point is: You’re not. In fact, it only highlights the tinted glasses in which you view your world. Firstly, if this is intended to be a funny email, it fails because it highlights your inability to even type out a simple prank mail which makes logical sense (it does not, as I’ve pointed out earlier), and shows that you’re an illogical person that believes he has a firm grasp of his own self. Secondly, if this email is real, then why attempt to cover it up with the last statement? Because you’re afraid it’ll burst your epenis? I’d suggest some hard reflection over the next few days would be in order. Forget about the girl, you have issues with yourself that you need to resolve, and the first step towards resolving them is to acknowledge that you indeed have problems with yourself, and not claim that you’re in touch with reality.
In fact, I refuse to call you by your nickname because you can’t be a helpless romantic when you don’t even know what true romance is like (doubting the happy endings in the eroge is not understanding), and you obviously are not in touch with reality because you don’t even know that you’re viewing the world through tinted glasses.
————-
Rather long replies from all the counsellors here. I hope this helps you Lim. Next week is Chinese New Year, but I’ll endeavour to get the post up, since it’ll most likely deal with an upcoming event which most otakus hate. Do continue to send us those emails to tjhan86ATriuvaDOTcom
Before we conclude this post, we’ll just like to highlight the growing popularity of feeling emo, short for emotional. In fact, many of us are disgusted by the way people throw the term around. Most of the time, people’s claims of being emo are just teenage angst. Tsubaki has this valuable advice for all who want to understand what real emo is: Read Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami. If you hate it, it means you’re faking it, and vice versa.
Here’s wishing all readers a Happy Chinese New Year!
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14 Responses to “[Kokanaden] Otaku helpline!”
Do not use any < and > for your own sake. It will end the comment there and then. Also, there is an automatic IQ filter which weeds out comments made by those who accidentally got transported from the stone age.
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Zer0 owns.
zer0’s advice completely owns lian. Lian loses his troll ability.
pwned! ^.^
LianYL needs to return to the mountains to cultivate his troll ability.
Aye.
Zer0 makes a top-notch counsellor. Maybe the guy would really *try* that out. ^^;
Zer0 wins the Internets. All the other counselors are useless.
Dear hopeless romantic etc etc,
As a fan of Key works, I have to admit that Key works are, in fact, very far from reality. As much as we otaku would like to date someone out of a Key novel, the fact remains that someone similar to a Key novel character would be really, really rare, and not to mention that they all come attached with their stories that are full of tears and sad endings.Additionally, to be a Key protagonist, you would need to come attached with an equally sad past, like having one of your parents die young, both of your parents die young, carry the fate of your ancestors to find the girl in the sky, or have a childhood friend fall down a tree and go into a coma. It’s not all fun and games, see.
You seem normal enough, so let me point out where you would be if you were, in fact, in a Key novel.
http://img70.imageshack.us/img70/547/clannadthisguyheregl5.png
Then, there is the second prerequisite: Key novels are set in Japan, so the chances of them happening would be higher over there. For example, one cannot find an igloo in Singapore, unless it is made in one of those wonky enclosed snow places.
But I digress.
Back to the topic at hand, you claim to have a relationship with this person, and that this person seems to be romantically infatuated with you, if you pardon the pun, but you are unable to return the person’s feelings. You wish to have a relationship which involves having your heart beat fast, and your mind thinking about the person all day. Alas, love does not work like that, as the feeling would soon pass the moment you get the person; this feeling is known as want, or, to put it in another manner, lust. Whether it is sexual lust or simply a strong want, it would be satisfied the moment you get what you want. You would have an euphoric feeling for the next few weeks, but it would wear off soon; many couples seek that sort of relationship and that feeling, but do not treasure what they have and are not capable of accepting the person once the veil over their eyes known as lust is lifted. Thus, many couples break up, which of course means the good looking ones too, as you have mentioned.
Personally, I think you should revise your definition of love before you try for any dating or romantic relationships. If you are keen on going with this girl in question but are not fond of her physical appearance, exercise is an option to have her lose weight, and some feedback would be good; but be careful not to go too far with your comments or it would be seen as being insulting.
However, you might like to take note that beauty can only last for so long; real life is like that. In a few years, a good looking person could suddenly gain a load of weight, and their shell would be broken. You yourself have noted that true beauty lies within, but you only know them as words without meaning; their meaning evades you still. Personality, on the other hand, rarely changes, if at all. A person with a jolly personality would still be jolly many decades down the road, while a grumpy person would still be grumpy unless the person changes; and it should be noted that with regard to personalities, change is usually a good thing. I might be going off a tangent here, but real personalities are often good, simply hidden under an infinite number of veils that society has required of them or they require in order to shield themselves from harm.
Back to the topic, I think that in the end, it is your choice, and I hope that my statements have helped you clear your mind or think a bit clearer. I would not recommend going into relationships at a young age, as those relationships tend to be immature and short lasting- a flash in the pan, to use a literary term.
Lastly, as much as you claim to have a hold on reality, comparing reality to a Key novel and hoping that they would be similar shows that your hold on reality isn’t actually as good as you would like to think; I would say that it is worse than mine, and I still think that aliens are coming whenever I see bright and sparkly lights.
Based on your end remark that you are not actually taking this seriously, I am assured that you would not take offence to any of my remarks made in this comment, and that you would be able to shrug it off if they did. Thank you for taking time to read this post, if you have read it at all.
well it juz boils down to
1. how shallow u are
2. how much u like the other person
normally if u can get past part 2, part 1 shouldn’t be a problem…
but frankly speaking if u reallie do not like her, pls make it known to her, subtly first that perhaps u juz treat her as a friend, then if she still doesn’t get it perhaps you could find out why she’s doing nice things for you and work from there. Maybe she might just be treating you as a good friend and nothing more to that.
However, do not lead the other party on thinking that “as long as i dun reject her, she’s still going to do things for me” when apparently you do not feel anything for her. It would be very unfair for the other person and also very bastard of you.
So the gist is: finding out why she’s doing such things (infatuation vs good friend), and asking yourself what do you feel about her (like vs don’t like, mind vs don’t mind)…
*Drums roll plays*
LOl..HA ha ha ha.haaaaaaa hA AHA HA HAHA HAAHA HA…*grins* I believe most of these so called counselors are quite funny! Every man with options wonders if he can do better!!!! And hell, if a girl is pretty enough, everything she does just seems better. The advice being dispensed on this board comes down to one thing and one thing alone…..its called “settling”!! Do you want to settle? I mean that whole its the “beauty on the inside that matters”, is a line thrown around by people who have settled and want you to do the same- perhaps to provide validation for their horrid decision. Listen and listen well!! You have to dig down deep and find out what do you really need in a girl to be able to live comfortably with her. I know myself well enough to know that the women i choose must be pretty and thin…bottom line!! This is not up for negotiation. But just because i demand my future misses look pretty and thin, doesn’t mean that’s all i require. Why can’t i have both? Why is there this lousy diametric opposition between beauty and brains? I want a girl with both beauty and brains. And even that’s not enough! I want her to be engaging, understanding, charming, well read, honest, mature, romantic, emotionally intelligent, confident, playful, resilient, and completely dedicated to me and our future family. Are my qualifications realistic? HELL NO!!! But I’m willing to wait until she comes along or not settle at all. You see i know myself well enough to know what I need from a women. As arrogant as this sounds, I know I’m a damned good catch…so she better be too. And it should be observable, not in that “beauty in the eye of the beholder” nonsense. Now sir, ask yourself! Really think about it… what are the most important things that you need in a girl? And sir, you sound like a guy who hasn’t been out with many pretty women. Like everything else, it gets boring quick. I find most men who have this infatuation with beauty are thus because they believe their exist some mystic to it, or they are like me and see it like an ego thing. But I’m hear to tell you that, dude don’t go down that path. Being an egotistical, pompous, shallow guy isn’t cool man. I know I seem like I’m contradicting myself right now, but read carefully. I’m showing you two points of view. You can either be realistic and tone down your requirements so you can settle with an inferior choice. Or you can be really nit picky and risk alone forever. This is what it really boils down to. The way i see it, either choice is fine…it all depends on the kind of person you are. Oh yea and dude, kokanaden is right… Got your life together man. You don’t sound romantic at all, you’re down right boring…You should be happy that any girl even looks at you with affection or particular regard. Be grateful dude… Embrace reality…don’t run..Embrace it!!!
I am G-Man!! >:)
My mum had a friend who married a man she did not love. However she logically analyzed his personality and after comparing it to her other suitors at the time, although the man she chose was inferior in terms of talents and looks and even her family discouraged her from marrying him, she chose him. Now they are happily married after more than 20 years. According to her, at first she wasn’t romantically in love, i.e. no fast beating of the heart, typical romantic stuff couples or newly weds normally do. It was quite lukewarm. However after about 5-10 years, after being together so long and understanding each other which was made possible because she chose him for his personality, their actual romance begins. And from what i hear from my mum, its still going quite strong.
So there u have it, an example of logic triumphing in love, and the proverb its whats inside that counts. However,it takes all sorts to make a world and being that logical, especially when your young and everything seems to be possible or just plain being idealistic/hopeful, its very hard to be like her. And in the end, i guess the most important thing is that you still dont find her attractive, or at least not in the sexual way, even after knowing her personality. Normally if you are able to like/love someone, even if they are ugly they will appear prettier or at least sexually attractive to you.
So i would suggest you to either move on and either wait until you are mature/logical enough to love her as a wife, or coming out with it and telling her your issues. Then you guys might be able to work something out. This is all of course, assuming she actually loves you, which is in some doubt as pointed out by someone above.
And if you can’t love her romantically, theres nothing wrong with trying to be just friends. After all, thats what girl friends are for(not girlfriends).
P.S. If that was a joke mail then just think of this as possible advice for who ever might have the problem.
Thank you for all the comments and valuable advice.
I know many of you view this as a joke, but that’s only the half-truth, and hence the need for 4 counsellors on the panel. In fact, some of the supposed “funny” replies do contain gems of wisdom that might not seem evident immediately.
Do look out for the next helpline issue!
*continues munching on popcorn while reading da comments*
Norwegian wood was the murakami book that had a fucking ending, metaphorically and literally right? Too bizarre to like or hate actually.