Otaku Helpline #3: Shock! Helpline Abuse at Riuva : Research Institute for Unicultural Visual Arts

Otaku Helpline #3: Shock! Helpline Abuse

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Popularity: 11% [?] Published by tj_han February 6th, 2008 in Helpline

In case you guys are wondering, the hosting of Riuva’s Otaku Helpline (ROH) is on a rotational basis. Today, I, the multi-pronged TJ Han, have the honour of hosting it.

This was a interesting week because we actually got two new letters! Ok not really. One was a link by Wolf X, to a real (allegedly) help letter published in some Malaysian magazine. We all know Malaysians are the most fucked-up inbreeds on Earth (Ok I jest, Malaysians rule, you guys have cheap food.) but surely this takes the cake!!

An excerpt from the letter:
"She [the sister] told me that if I didn’t let her do what she wanted, she would tell my parents that I beat her and then I would be in big trouble. I know how clever she is at pretending and my parents will definitely believe her, so I submitted to her. She groped and kissed me all over and then performed oral sex on me."

But more interestingly, there has been a shocking revelation - one of our letters last session was a fake!

This session’s chosen letter is as follows:

Dear Riuva Helpline,

I fear for my future. Recently, I wrote in to your helpline because I was very bored. I copied and pasted an actual help request letter from one of my Malaysian magazines (God Save Malaysia), modified a bit to include some familiar Otakunic references, and sent it in to the esteemed TJ Han. I hoped to feel good about myself by taking an active role in participating in the content of one of my favourite sexy bloggers, who otherwise has nothing anime-related to talk about. And Praise Jesus, my wonderful-crafted letter scented with the spices of the Malay Archipelago made it through the vultures of the Internet Customs and the Riuvasians gladly wrote many wonderful responses.

But here is where I feel much pain. On one hand, I am overjoyed at seeing my beloved words on the greatest website, Riuva. But I also feel happy because I have outwitted the system and tricked the supremely clever (some say more clever than Deathnote’s Light) Riuva Otakus into wasting time on the responses. I feel whole, satisfied with my greatest trick ploy of the century. I am Houdini, Michael Jackson and Humphrey the Man-bear-Honey all in one!

Can you forgive me for feeling really good and smug about myself? I had a good time laughing at my good trick ploy. Also, I am not otaku, I am a normal guy, I have real friends. But I love SCHOOL RUMBLE VERY MUCH! WOO HOO!! MALAYSIA BOLEH! ANWAR!! FLOODS!! JOHOR ROBBERY!! BAK KUT TEH!!

Timothy

TJ Han:
Thanks for sending in such a wonderfully positive mail! Your nation must be proud of your fierce patriotism. I personally have a few Malaysian friends too and I love them as well. They make good pets.

If you wish, you can send in more letters detailing the problems Malaysian youths face, I’m sure we can offer our infinite wisdom, in exchange for the content to fill up our really empty blogging coffers. I must urge you to realise that when the blind leads the blind, they just end up filling Riuva Space. Also, the word "penisula" has "PENIS" in it so it must be awesome living on a huge geographical cock. So walking is actually a footjob. I personally like Bak Kut Teh (Pork Bone Tea) as well, it’s quite good a dish.

LianYL:
As much as you fear for your future, I fear for your sexual preference. Have a nice day, fag.

Kokanaden:
You do realise that like 911/999, the emergency hotlines, our Riuva Otaku Helpline is a geniune attempt at reaching out and aiding the otaku population. By using up valuable air-time on fake letters, you are depriving the real needy people from having their voices heard and problems resolved. Do think about that next time in church, and I hope you repent. But I am suspicious of this letter as well. Is this letter real or is it again copied from some other Malayan Magazine?

Time’s up! That’s all we have for today, folks, as the other panelists are on Chinese New Year leave. And it doesn’t help that this letter was quite boring. Hope to see more interesting ones next week!

Popularity: 11% [?]

20 Responses to “Otaku Helpline #3: Shock! Helpline Abuse”

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1 Mitsuki_Hayase 336 comments Feb 6th, 2008 at 1:40 am

Happy new year!
2 Tsubaki 519 comments Feb 6th, 2008 at 1:47 am

HAHAAHAHAHAHAHA.

LOOOOOOOLMAAAAAHGAWD. THE INTERNET IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.
3 Owen S 144 comments Feb 6th, 2008 at 2:00 am

The twincest story is fake. I should know, I actually transcribed the plot from an eromanga I read the other day and sent it in.
4 Setsukyie 34 comments Feb 6th, 2008 at 2:08 am

As a fellow Malaysian myself,
I don’t know what to say…
Heh…
5 G-Man 55 comments Feb 6th, 2008 at 6:47 am

I feel so used…!

i am g-man…
6 wongtcsg 31 comments Feb 6th, 2008 at 9:46 am

Nice counterattack! Those malaysians…
Show them our singaporean spirits!
7 moot_beer 2 comments Feb 6th, 2008 at 9:59 am

Give the man a moot beer!
8 wolfx Feb 6th, 2008 at 10:25 am

Owen S, if that was truly you, i’ll say “you suck for making it seem like my twincest fantasies came to life somewhere else and you have nothing better to do” but you are ftw for sending that in.

Now show me your sister.
9 Triggs 8 comments Feb 6th, 2008 at 10:52 am

I actually happen to prefer the M’sian bah kut teh to the S’porean one.

Anyway, you’ve wasted 2 minutes of my life, i hope you’re happy. Now go home and watch school rumble while you find a way to solve the flooding issue. I’ll help you out a little: there’s a neighbor of yours to the south who happens to have been purchasing your surplus water for decades. Unfortunately you’ve decided to cut the supply, which has caused an oversupply on your side.
10 Aoshi 10 comments Feb 6th, 2008 at 11:00 am

Correction: The alleged(true) letter was sent to the Star newspaper. Not magazine.

And gong xi fa cai since tomorrow is CNY.
11 Faye 52 comments Feb 6th, 2008 at 11:04 am

The Star is not a magazine. It’s West Malaysian daily. The section where Dear Thelma comes on just happens to be called StarMag. Well it’s not like the supreme Singaporeans will care anyway. For the record, Tim isn’t from Johor or the land of the cock. And I’ve a feeling that siscon letter is a fake.

Happy Chinese New Year!! May you guys get lots of angpow.
12 wolfx Feb 6th, 2008 at 11:44 am

Faye: Well if it happened to you, will anyone believe you? If i was in the writer’s place I think i’ll be in quite a fix too….(especially if I felt guilty enjoying my twin sister? OMG the dilemma) XD

tjhan: GRR! Just to poke fun back at Singaporeans, speaking of inbreeds i thought almost everyone in Singapore are related to each other? Well at least you guys have hot blogger camwhores. I’ll trade one Penang Char Kuey Teow for your camwhores please.
13 Sylon Beta 32 comments Feb 6th, 2008 at 12:14 pm

I will take this at face value and not waste time trying to second guess this response.

You sound like an immature teenage brat. Go exclude yourself from society for ten years while your undeveloped brain grows a little more, and you will find that there are things better in life than smirking over prank letters. Society needs less of you people. So, do us all a favor, and if you’re not mature after crawling out of your rock after 10 years, go choke to death on a mochi and exclude yourself from the gene pool. Thank you.
14 tj_han 1442 comments Feb 6th, 2008 at 12:15 pm

You never know what’s true and false anymore. Owen S has no evidence to back up his alleged submission of the letter anyway.

Wolf X: Haha, I am a hot blogger camwhore. But I hate Penang and Char Kway Teow. Though it is quite true that Malaysia has better food.

Faye: The details don’t matter, does it?

Anyway this is just in good fun, I don’t really hate Malaysians! Nor do we look down on them. After all, we share the same ancestry and were raped by the Japanese together.
15 Tsubaki 519 comments Feb 6th, 2008 at 4:17 pm

Nobody in singapore hates malaysia anyway. We’re too busy worrying about our grades or finance. Not to forget, we have to keep up with the supremist elitist attitude that we are assumed to have towards our neighbors.
16 Kurogane 125 comments Feb 6th, 2008 at 5:35 pm

LOL. I actually have the hard copy of that newspaper. Can’t believe I missed reading that.

Maybe I should send one of mom-son incest in as well.
17 Setsuna-san 17 comments Feb 6th, 2008 at 8:14 pm

That prank letter shows clearly that the internet is the reason for the downfall of society. =_=”

on another note. HAPPY CNY RIUVA team !!!
18 ZeroG 82 comments Feb 6th, 2008 at 10:05 pm

Well, it’s not too bad to be able to receive a plank mail so that our dear counselors can stop collecting dust. Further more, this incident shows that that Riuva is reaching out to a WIDE RANGE OF AUDIENCES! remarkable achievement.
*Bloodlust buff on Epenises*

Gong Xi Fa Cai BTW
19 Zer0 135 comments Feb 6th, 2008 at 10:37 pm

Kurogane> the mom-son incest thing has already been reported in Kelantan.
20 johnnyboy 3 comments Feb 8th, 2008 at 9:02 am

heh

Do not use any < and > for your own sake. It will end the comment there and then. Also, there is an automatic IQ filter which weeds out comments made by those who accidentally got transported from the stone age.

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